I walked outside this morning and was startled by a duck walking on the driveway. They're pretty big up close, kinda cool I guess...man, ducks.

I noticed that you can't say "body" when you find someone who is alive. 'Ma'am, we found your husbands body. He was playing poker with his buddies."

All the work I'm doing right now has ground to a f*cking halt because I don't know if they make a blue Sharpie or not.

I was asked if I knew anything about Star Wars by a co-worker and I said, "Hell yeah, Spock and those assholes."

Just felt incredibly white not knowing if I had to type "Gangsta's Paradise" or "Gangster's Paradise" into Youtube just now.

I'm won't let the fact that I hate getting wet stop me from swimming with great white sharks ever again.

I'm never surprised when somebody asks me, "Why would you do such a thing?"

Bruce Willis was dead the whole time? Well, the 5th Element just seems really f*ckin' stupid now.

The next time someone startles you at your desk, make a snorting sound, rustle some papers around and ask, "How long have I been out?"

#TLC should produce a reality show called, "Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls" where people...I don't know...chase f#ckin' waterfalls or whatever.

"What are you doing over there?" is the question I'm always terribly embarrassed to answer.